I Have Thoughts

Reclaiming the moments that seek to destroy me

I have thoughts. Sometimes, they're overwhelming. It's a bit like planning an epic Icelandic adventure for my company and its customers at 2:51 am when sleep eludes me. Or, when trying to process how the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) can vote to determine that in-vitro fertilization (IVF) isn't supported by their dogma while simultaneously denying anyone with a uterus the right to bodily autonomy and reproductive choice. 

These thoughts are generally full of angst. If I let them, they'll percolate in my soul, driving deep into every crevice of unrealized philosophy, ontology, and teleology. They'll attempt to destroy the carefully constructed walls and barriers I've created to keep the madness of human choices from being too overwhelming, too guttingly painful, too much of anything, really. I could drift in their ghostly waves for hours, feeling worse for the wear. Our society has continued to perpetuate this self-sustaining pallor of narcissism, graft, greed, and inevitable vice.

Rather than wallow in these waves of human effluvia, I've chosen to focus on the changeables in front of me: my attitude, my ethos, and my ontology. These aspects of my being are firmly within my grasp, my demesne if you will. This is where I build my castle, establish my roots, erect the walls that keep the "bad stuff" out and the "good stuff." And hell, I even get to build a moat and drawbridge! (because you have to let the good stuff out occasionally, and…who doesn't love a moat?!)

Taking these moments for yourself and reclaiming the dead space of social ideologies and garbage is essential because they're uncontrollables. When we attempt to control people, things, events, and moments outside our reasonable locus of responsibility or action, we expend precious energy that becomes brutally difficult to reclaim. 

Rather than waste what little time and energy we have on the moments that don't matter, we should spend them on the people and circumstances that feed our souls, mend our brokenness, and inflame our passions. I'd rather spend my life becoming more understanding, gracious, kind, capable, and beautiful than becoming less of anything.

Perhaps you’re finding yourself a bit weighed down by the flood of antagonism on social media, within your friend groups, and from the unwashed masses you come across daily. Perhaps you’re finding less joy in your story each day because you’re overcome by the persistent million little things that seek your “death by a thousand cuts.” You’d rather be as free as the cormorant seen above, skimming above the water, choosing your own fate rather than being herded in a different direction.

Fact is, we can't just outthink or outmove the environments we find ourselves in all the time. It's trite to say, "Well, just leave!" to those who find themselves at the wrong end of social legislation. It's absolutely shitty to say, "Move to a different country!" if you don't like the social policies you find yourself in. So, how do you deal with the morass you're in?

As noted above, I must start small, focusing on the matters before me. What are the things I can change today, tomorrow, or the next? What are my responsibilities to care for, and where do I need to say "no," "not yet," "not today, Satan," or other gracious denials of your precious energy? Setting out a list of priorities for me starts to build the necessary walls designed to defend my soul when push comes to shove. Little by little, brick by brick, these actions reinforce the value you have and provide the air cover you need for when the world gets shitty.

We all need to find what matters most to us, and perhaps, in reading this, you'll understand where you've given away your soul to the things that don't matter and what you need to do to reclaim it.

May it ever be so.