Decisions, Decisions

We take for granted the daily choices we have to make. We go to sleep, wake up, pee, and eat something for breakfast. Perhaps we choose coffee over tea, milk over water, or banana instead of cereal. Perhaps we don’t eat breakfast because the early train is strangely on time and we’re running late. Perhaps we’ll choose to drive in to work rather than take an Uber, walk instead of taking the bus, and wear comfortable shoes versus dressing them up a bit. Whatever choices we make, we’re in automatic mode regarding most aspects of life.

However, when push comes to shove, the moments of opposition, those seething embers of “do I or don’t I?” push us. We have to think through the outcomes, past the dimly-lit doorways of convenience and into the darkened halls beyond. We have to consider, if only for a moment, the ramifications of our actions as they relate to us, others, and our situations. These moments aren’t easy because we don’t have the omniscience to know where we will end up. Our choices have positive and negative consequences, and the ambiguous outcomes cause angst.

Notice anything about the kits in play above? See how one has the other’s leg in their mouth and is clamping down? In human-lingo, we’d call this “learning the hard way” and understand, through the funnel of human experience, that the net result of such an action would be a sizable reaction. But maybe there’s something to be learned from the little, furry agents of nature above. Maybe, just maybe, pushing oneself into a situation where learning is a direct consequence of action is the desired and needed outcome.

Today, I had to make a choice that has been brewing for a long time. It’s neither a choice that could be approached lightly nor inconsequential. There are fiduciary concerns, political concerns, and career concerns at stake. While perhaps not as influential as my most recent, life-altering choice of leaving my previous employer, it still bears the weight of consideration.

The path I’ve been on with this choice led me to my wife. It led me to great friendships with others and gave me perspective on the world from a different vantage point, contrasting to the one I had from the outside. To choose to stay would mean much of the same: perspectives and people. To leave would result in…well, no disruption, really. To put it mildly, I’d give up more to stay than I would go with no discernable benefit to myself or others within my circle.

Part of my decision had to reckon with loss, of a potential void that I’d have to fill with the words of naysayers, of people who’d come in and out of my life challenging both my reasons for travelling down that path as well as encouraging my growth while treading it. In a way, I had to come to grips with disappointment in myself and from others, as well as the inevitable “I told you so” from the past. These shades and echos of the past and present are still helpful if only to solidify my decision and my way forward.

You see, for every disappointment in not completing this thing, I was reminded that sometimes the decisions we make for ourselves are misguided. There is a hell of a lot of courage to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I was wrong to choose this”, and still proceed along in life without letting it crush your spirit. If applied to your circumstance, choosing to walk away from an unsuccessful business, a floundering startup, or a failed business idea with your head held high is admirable. Learning your limits from these moments, where you strain before breaking, these all become more valuable than whatever perceived success you find otherwise.

Today, I withdrew from my PhD. I chose a path where the complications of expectation, the withering failure of administrative reckoning, and the joyless path of publish-or-die (not to mention significantly poor oversight within the programme) were left to their vices. I chose another route that would not depend on the whims and fancies of an institution but instead on myself, my family, and those I decided to be closest to me. I chose happiness and light and the knowledge I’ve never been so full of life and love.

May it ever be so.